“Trans4mers”–Thoughts/Review/Whatever

I’m conflicted. I saw “Transformers: Age of Extinction” (stupid name, by the way) on it’s opening day (Friday) and walked out of the theater not sure what to think. I wanted to write a review that night. But I couldn’t sort my thoughts out. This continued all weekend, and now here I am, 3 days later, trying to figure out what to write about it. In all honestly, the movie is so terrible that I don’t think it warrants an actual, thought-out review. So instead, I’ll just share a few thoughts I had about it.

The Plot- Ugh. It’s nearly three hours long with three final battles. The plot is incoherent. I’m 22 years old and have seen a lot of movies, and I couldn’t even understand the logistics of what was going on. I don’t know how an 12-year-old will. The movie is all climax, so when something really big is supposed to happen, you don’t care because you just shot your wad in the first 30 minutes.

The characters- Mark Wahlberg and Stanley Tucci are the only good things about this movie. They are fun…and that’s all I can really say. Some characters appear out of nowhere, and you know they’re supposed to be important, but you literally keep forgetting they are there. Everyone just showed up for a paycheck, I feel. I mean, John Goodman voices one of the transformers. Why…

The effects– Whatever. I know ILM slaved over this film, but whatever. The dinobots are kind of cool, I guess. Too bad everything is right up in your face and you have no idea what is going on.

The music– HAHAHAHA. Just like the previous Transformers films, awkward songs start playing in awkward places and makes things awkward.

Audience reaction- Some how, this film mustered up an A- CinemaScore from audiences. HOWWWW!?!? My 14-year-old cousin, who drools over these movies, hated it. I looked at people around me at the theater and all I saw was groaning, slouching, and disinterest. When the movie ended, everybody looked at their phones and verbally exclaimed how surprised they were that 3 hours had passed. I really want to find someone who liked this movie and listen to them try to defend it.

100,000,000- That’s how many dollars it made this weekend in the United States alone. I wish I wasn’t part of that. Too bad Michael Bay didn’t film an after-credits scene with a personal apology.

Overall- I know this is an awful review. But I don’t care. Go see Transformers for yourself and you’ll see why. Better yet, save yourself $12 and three hours of your life. If you really want to experience what I did whilst saving time and money, find the nearest wall and smash you’re head into it 20 times, and that should be a good representation.

In closing, screw you, Michael Bay.

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