Ahhh…summer movie season. Nothing like some CGI and simple movie plots to make you appreciate Oscar season even more every fall. As the rich movie executives get richer, and the independent filmmakers are left on the streets begging to make a living, I will confess with full disclosure that I’m a sucker for summer movie season. Michael Bay’s Transformers series, in my eyes, is the epitome of a cliche summer blockbuster, and, as I’m sure you know, the fourth installment opens up this weekend. And as much as I love to hate Transformers, I, once again, confess that I’ll be seeing the new movie.
In my defense, I’m bringing my 9 and 14 year old male cousins with me. These films were manufactured for people like them I feel, and I know we’ll have a fantastic day at the movies. Regardless, I consider seeing a Transformers movie as a way of giving in to a temptation to something you really shouldn’t be doing, like cheating on your girlfriend or stealing candy from a gas station. It may feel good at first, but you know that what you’re doing is essentially wrong. So, as I support the Hollywood-terrible-blockbuster machine this weekend, I already have a feeling that I know what to expect out of this movie based on 1) my past experiences with Transformers movies and 2) What little I know about this movie based on its trailers and Wikipedia page. So, without further ado, here are 6 things I’m expecting from my Transformers: Age of Extinction movie-going experience.
1) A hot girl
Megan Fox. The blonde girl from the third movie with the really long name. These are hot girls. In fact, it can’t be a Transformers movie without a hot girl. It’s the same thing over and over again. And because Megan Fox and blonde girl have (probably) been deemed too old by Michael Bay (22 is the cut off, I’m guessing), he’s hired a new hot girl for this installment. Her name is Nicola Peltz, and before you start salivating, consider this. She was born in 1995. That puts her at barely 19, which means she was hardly legal while filming was taking place. Maybe it’s because I was born in 1992, but I grew up with all my celebrity crushes being much older than me. And now I’ve finally hit that turning point in my life where Hollywood sexpots are now younger than me. God, I feel so old.
2) International Locations
Transformers movies make a lot of money in the United States, but they also make a TON of money everywhere. These are global blockbusters, and because of that, they have to appeal to a global audience. Previous films brought us from Shanghai to the pyramids of Egypt to the moon. Fans from other countries probably enjoy seeing their home countries represented in these films, so Paramount will grant them these wishes with dreams of dollar signs. Who knows where this next one will take us. Brazil? Antarctica? North Korea?
3) A visual mess
I once read somewhere that it takes over a day to render one frame of a Transformers film when an actual transformer is on-screen. The amount of work ILM puts into these films is on a whole other level. While I admit that I loved the battle of Chicago in the third film and the Optimus/Megatron fight in the woods in the second one, most the action scenes translate into a visual mess where I can’t tell where one robot stops and another robot starts. You can hardly tell what is actually going on during some action scenes, and maybe that’s because it’s hard to find the perfect ratio to fit humans in the frame with hundred-foot tall robots, but I really hope this has been improved for the fourth film. Based on the trailers I’ve seen, it looks like the same old mess.
4) Awkward music
I still can’t get over the scene in Revenge of the Fallen where Megan Fox shows up to say goodbye to Shia, and a song from The Fray begins playing in the background. I remember laughing in the middle of the theater. The Wikipedia page for Age of Extinction claims that Skrillex helped with the score (because the sound of transforming doesn’t already sound like dubstep), and that “Imagine Dragons have written a new single specifically for the film itself, titled ‘Battle Cry’, that will be implemented in key parts of the film by Michael Bay.” Great. Lovely. I can’t wait.
5) My cousins will claim it is the best movie they have ever seen
Look, I was a preteen once. Every time I saw a blockbuster, it was my new favorite movie. Heck, every time I saw a movie that excited me at all, it was my new favorite movie. I had tons of favorite movies between the age of 9 and 13. These include, but are not limited to, S.W.A.T., Lady in the Water, Epic Movie, and Sahara. These movies are made to be your younger cousin’s favorite movie. And I know that as soon as we walk out of the theater, I’ll hear how amazing it was.
6) It will be the only time I watch it
I’ve seen the first Transformers multiple times. I mean, it’s actually pretty decent. As for 2 and 3…I’ve only seen each of them once. In the theaters. And that was enough. God, why do I do this to myself.